Oh... the Chumbuddy

 

Steve-O's bad Grammar

Gets Awkward with the Wife

And yes the Wife's name is "Poops the Panda"

Softball? Or Talk Shit?

Double:  Able to play at 7 tonight?  We are 2 short and playing for the 1 seed

Me:  Can't doucher, sorry

Double:  Sorry doesn't Solve my tears

Me:  You have tears because you are a bitch.  What cures that ????

Double:  Bitch Slapping you!!!!

Me:  That would require that you remove both of your thumbs from your ass

Double:  I question your motives.  How much beer is it gonna take for you to sub tomorrow at 7?

Me: Fuck man, I wish but I have plans tomorrow

Double:  Well wake her ass up we have to win tomorrow!!!

Me:  You are as cool as Rob Schneider

Double:  He has to have more money than me at least...

 Wife on a List??

Wife:  My friend at work said that strep is going around

Me:  Maybe stop making out with your coworkers and you wouldn't get strep

Wife:  Haha, that or stop playing with my coworkers daughter who had strep and the flu would be more like it.

Me:  Gross babe, people get put on lists for that kind of activity

Best Directions Ever

Oregon Trail:  Hey man send me your address

Me:  4500 ******* *******

 Me: Denver 

Me: Colorado

Me: 80***

Me: United States

Me: America

Me: North America

Oregon Trail: Fuck Man!!! I know this Shit!!

 Failed New Years Plans

 

Oregon Trail:  Hey chump what is your plan for New Years?

Me:  Im in Tucson Pal

Oregon Trail:  Enjoy the Tucson Gay scene then

Me:  Jealousy Huh

Oregon Trail:  Not at all.  I’ll be fucking slutswhile you are fucking butts.  More likely getting fucked in the butt.

Me:  Easy Dr. Suess, you sound like a rapper

Oregon Trail:  It's not Rape if you yell surprise

 Apes and Things

Double N's:  Go to that quickmeme.com and check out pick up line panda

Me:  Why don't you go fuck yourself

Double N's: In process

Me: It would be funnier if it said :basic addition” instead of BioChem

Double N's: Yeah, like the toe on the coffee table one

Me:  Is that a panda obe?

Double N's: obe?

Me: One* Nigger

Double N's: Learn to fucking spell Tard. Yes

Me:  You like to like your fingers and ram them in your popper

Double N's: Jesus, that is full of too many grammatical errors to even deserve a response.  I hope you were driving and hit something hard.

Me:  Holy Fuck,  you are right.  God Damn Fat Fingers

Double N's: I almost feel bad for you.

Me:  More like jealous that your fingers are skinny and don’t please your asshole like they used to when you were a kid.

Double N's: I just see this as a showing that you have lost a step or two.  You got married.  You got lazy.  Oh how the mighty have fallen

Me:  I beg to differ you Maculay Culkin stunt Double

Double N's: Lovedyou in Rise of the Plamet of the Apes

Me:  You were cute with Tome Cruise in War of the Worlds

Double N's:  I ddn’t appreciate your role in the Congo quite enough.  Cool for you though that you learned sign language.

Me:  I didn’t understand why you used the name “Clay Aiken” during American Idol?  You can sing man be proud of that

Double N's:  I’ll bet that Jane Goodall was a nice lady.

Me:  Did you and Sean William Scott ever find your car?

Double N's:   Good luck with your next battle with Godzilla

Me:  Why don’t you use that 6^th sense of yours to figure out how to kill yourself?

Double N's:   Just keep throwing barrels at Mario, its really all you are good at.

Me:  You must have gotten to know Heath Ledger pretty well during the filming of Broke Back Mountain.  Were you heart broken when he died?

Double N's:  Really hope that make up testing gig is working out for you.  No side effects an such.

Me:  Doesn’t it suck every year for Halloween to dress up as both characters from the ambiguously gay duo by yourself because you have no friends?

 My Take on Charity

Steve-O:  What are you and the wife doing this weekend?

Me:  Wife has race on Sunday but that is all the plans we got.  You planning a Klan Rally or something?

Steve-O:   Ha is that what your actual plans are, sounds like something that you would not do.  What race is the wife running?

Me:  Some Charity 5K at Wash Park

Steve-O:   Oh gotcha.  You just watching because you hate charity or are you running too?

Me:  I will only run if there is free Keg beer involved 

Steve-O:   Well i think you are S.O.L. on the one dude

Me:  Yeah and I really hate charity.  Get a fucking job already.  I don't care if you are 5 years old and have terminal cancer.  Get the hell out there and sew me up some Nikes.

Steve-O:   I heard it was for dogs looking for a home like Tessa you jerk

Me:  Tessa found a job not a home, I make that bitch do housework

Steve-O:   Licking your balls and stealing food from the trash is not a job

Me:  If it were would you consider new employment?

Steve-O:   I always knew you were gay

Me:  That is an unfair conclusion Baldy.  So you wouldn't pay your friend money to lick your balls and play with trash?

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Circle Jerk Etiquette 

Drug Den: "That will teach you to opt out of a circle jerk pal"
 

Me: "I love circle jerks"

Drug Den: " I KNOW - I heard that you were actually one of the men that innovated the idea of a circle. Before that everyone just jerked it in a straight line. Not nearly as cool."
 

Me: "See with a circle you are able to observe everyone's penis and technique, not just the guys on either side of you."

Drug Den: "Brilliant! - back for xmas at all?
 

Me: "No man I'm still really poor"

Drug Den: "as you should be - It is God's punishment to you for forcing the world to look at your ugly mug all the time. keep it on the dlow but I think that I am moving back.
 

Me: " Did you ask my permission. This is my state now, you relinquished your throne.

Drug Den: "Haha - the mountains have notheing for me but dry skin and penis shrinking cold for me now - let me back in bro i told Bucket and he got giddy like he saw his first tit."
 

Me: " I'm sure he did that dirty fucker. Talk about a guy that loves the circle Jerk

Bored? Why not Entertain Yourself with Hate

Another Fucking Conversation with Mr. Z. Not too much of a point to this conversation other than to express feelings of hatred in clever ways.

Me: "I hope you get full blown Monkey AIDS"
 

Z: "I hope someones ties you up, pees in your mouth, and shoots you in the face."
 

Me: "Why don't you slit your wrists and throat and swim with great whites"
 

Z: "I think you need to put a rattlesnake up your asshole so it can tickle your ass before it kills you
 

Me: "Go ahead and take a swan dive into a steel bear trap"
 

Z: "You should tie your shoelaces together and then go walk around in grizzly bear country"
 

Me: "You should get ass naked. roll in sea salt. then jump into the polar bear exhibit"
 

Z: "You should bathe in slimfast and then go to a taping of Oprah"
 

Me: "You should slather your body up with bacon grease and go to the biggest loser workout session"
 

Z: "You should dress up as a klansman and go order a bucket of KFC"
 

Me: "Why don't you drop your pants and paint a bullseye around your poop hole and walk backwards through the prison yard"
 

Z: "How about you cover your cock in deli meat and then ring Rosie Odonells Door bell"

Me: "you should go basejumping at the grand canyon using two children's kites as a parachute.
 

Z: "You should travel through Nebraska tied behind a Semi Truck

Me: "Go play a real life game of frogger on the autoban"
 

Z: "After you douse yourself in gasoline and go sit in the smoking section"

Me: "Challenge Mike Tyson to a game of Punch for Punch"
 

Z: "You should paint your dick green and go talk to a drunk mexican with a weed whacker"
 

Me: "Why don't you bob for apples in a piranha tank"
 

Z: "Why don't you get your hair caught in some machinery"
 

Me: "Why don't you see what size of spade bit will fit up your rectum"
 

Z: "Drop an anvil on your face and see how many teeth you keep"

Me: "See how fast you can chug a bottle of paint thinner"

Me: "Dip your ball sack in mayonnaise and wave it in front of a woman on Jenny Craig"

What do Two Alcoholics Talk About?

To Preface this conversation. This has been going on for 3 years ever since Donkey and I got drunk together the first time. We both decided that we love to drink beer and random thoughts are the result.

Me: "Do you like it better when the balls you suck on are salty and sweaty or fresh out of the shower clean?"

Donkey: "I never suck on balls, you are a salty sack of used vagina"

Me: "Your mouth has seen more weiner that all of the vivid pornstars vaginas combined"

Donkey: "Oscar Meyers miniature hotdogs are fine snacks, you like big hard objects in your ear, especially when the fun juice comes out and you cant hear for a bit"

Me: "Everyone likes a little peace and quiet. You like when you get rod spooge in you eye so you can't see for a while"

Donkey: "its never happened before so i cant say based off of experience. I can say that you are a cheese fucker and a sack of butt marbles

Me: "How many marbles can you fit in your butt"

Donkey: "I have never tried marbles in my butt by I bet you can get an entire cheese pizza in your shithole"

Me: "If i do manage to pull of that feat, I bet you would love you rub your face all over that pizza and lick the dingles off of it"

Donkey: "Never would I get near a Jake Boyle dingleberry pizza. I would prefer to Jump out of a plane with no parachute instead"

Me: "That don't sound like a bad idea. people would be so happy it would be a better holiday than Thanksgiving"

Donkey: "Haha Shut up Richard. Your like the housekeeping lady, you are smelly and your hair is greasy"

Me: "Tommy want Wingy"

Entirely Inappropriate 

Z: "I hope a hundred monkeys throw poop at you until you die from it"
 

Me: "I'm going to jam human shit into a potato gun. Ram the tube up your ass and give you a super shit enema"
 

Z: "I will run a years worth of Biggie's shit through a garbage disposal, load it onto as many dump trucks as it takesand fill your entire house with it as you sleep"
 

Me: "I'm going to tie you up by your feet and hang you upside down over a vat of AIDS infested African sewage. Every hour I am going to prop you head first into AIDS shit"

Z: "I will pay for lipo suction for everyone who works at waffle house and then throw you into a tank of negro fat with a pair of water wings"
 

Me: "I will take a blood sample from every AIDS patient in South Africa and pump it into your veins while you sleep"
 

Z: "I will paralyze you and then cast a toilet around your face and then put it in the biggest loser women's locker room"
 

Me: "I will take the Placenta from all of the new births at the hospital and have it pumped into your water pipes so it shoots out on you while you are in the shower."
 

Z: "I will dress you up as uncle sam and drop you into the middle of Iraq"
 

Me: "I'll dress you up like a pre teen girl and make you deliver cookies to all of the registered sex offenders in California."
 

Z: "I will spray grizzly bear sex hormone all over your pants and drop you in Alaska"
 

Me: "I'll pour tequila all over you and drop you in the middle of a mariachi convention."
 

Z: "I will paint your dick yellpw and throw you into the gorilla exhibit at the zoo"
 

Me: "I'm just going to stab you with every used needle I can find on the streets of New York."
 

Z: "I will start a fire ant farm in your scrotum"

Some Friends have Unfortunate Nicknames


Tip Sucking Wap: "I'm planning on killing you at some point"

Me: "I hope you have been doing yoga cause I am going to rape you like a gymnast"

Tip Sucking Wap: "You are dumb"

Tip Sucking Wap: "Somebody should shoot you and just get it over with"

Me: "I'd tell you to shoot me but I know that homos from San Francisco don't know how guns work"

Tip Sucking Wap: "I think I could figure it out"

Me: "Just like you figured out how to lube Griffins ass hole so it wouldn't hurt

Tip Sucking Wap: "You are proof that people and apes"

Me: "I'm glad you can't proceate due to the fact that homoerotic anal sex cannot make you conceive"

Tip Sucking Wap: "I hope for Christmas you get nothing more than a lump of coal.....and syphilis"

Me: "You wish that you could give me syphilis huh"

Tip Sucking Wap: "No"

Me: "LIAR... how many dreams do you have about fucking me?"

Tip Sucking Wap: "No. only about you hanging from the tree in my backyard"

Me: "Bullshit you perve fuck. you want to lick my butthole"

Tip Sucking Wap: "No I kill gays like you"

Me: "You can't kill shit you PETA faggot"

Tip Sucking Wap: "I will snipe you"

Me: "You have no idea how to shoot"

Tip Sucking Wap: "Snipe"

Trouble in a Down Economy with a Dash of Racism

 Asian:

 Jake the snake lumberjack
find me a job

Me
fuck you yellow face find me a job

Asian:
i asked you first cracker

Me:
dont you asians just work as fishermen or sushi chefs

Asian:
only the lucky ones
most of us are making shoes

Me:
at least as a shoe maker you can afford to buy fresh dog meat

Asian:
too expensive
i eat bugs

Me:
shit man i have been wating outback of subway for them to throw away the seafood sensation that no one ever eats

Asian:
delicious
where are you even at these days
some forrest in montana?

Me:
san diego man working at a guitar factory building guitar necks
sucks a lot of butthole
but there are no jobs for good looking white college grads anymore

Asian:
haha
so i assume you mercer and cody make out every night

Me:
God I wish, I've run into mercer like 4 times and we were both wasted somehow, like drunk radar

Asian:
haha
gaydar probably

Me:
i try to to distinguish between the two

Asian:
its a fine line
you should just become a professional gambler at the race tracks

Me:
I'm not aloud to be that close to animals man, court ordered

Asian:
haha
damn cause children arent allowed near the tracks either
and i know you arent allowed to be close to them either
so only half the problem solved